she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
