I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
