I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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