Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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