bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
