so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
