just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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