Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
