Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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