He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
