i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
