alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
