He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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