Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
