textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
