She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
