I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
id be glad to
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
