my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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