kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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