Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
