I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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