Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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