so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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