What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
