see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
