Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
