Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
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it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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