note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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