Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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