Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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