I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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