i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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