dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
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I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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