remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
