My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
