How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
