How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my phone needs a breathalizer
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
