I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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