I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
