She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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