I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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