I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
