I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
