you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
