My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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