Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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