LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
