I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
