And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
