Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
