I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
