3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
