when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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