Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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