I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
