You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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