I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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